The Big Announcement


Author’s note: I don’t know why I am writing this.  It’s a waste of my time.

Editor’s note: Look, we need a piece out for this, and everyone else is busy, or drunk.

Author’s note: Like I’m not busy?  You’re the one that has nagged me like twenty times last week about the articles I need to write.

Editor’s note: It wasn’t twenty times, there was just the three times on Tuesday, and then twice on Wednesday, and… look, it wasn’t twenty, just trust me. Anyway, you’re making headway on those, and this doesn’t have to be long, so just… squeeze it in!

Author’s note: This is a waste of my talents!

Editor’s note: Freaking writers, always so dramatic. Look, it’s a short piece. It won’t take long to just bang it out.

Author’s note: That’s what I mean!  I haven’t written anything under two thousand words since I came back to TMC.  Making me write this is going to ruin my brand.

Editor’s note: Think of it as a writing exercise! Besides, it can’t ruin your brand. No such thing as bad press, right?

Author’s note: Tell that to CCP.  They throw a tantrum every time someone says anything bad.

Editor’s note: Yeah, well, they gotta protect their brand, you know.

Author’s note: I’m glad you agree with me.

Editor’s note: Wait, what? No, look, they’re a big corporation. They own like… Iceland. When you own Iceland, then we can bicker over a quick 2-paragraph announcement, ok?

Author’s note: The only reason I don’t own Iceland is that I have standards.  The same standards that keep me from writing this.

Editor’s note: That’s why you need to be the one to write it! People read what you write! They look forward to your articles! What am I gonna do, make Mittens write about how we’re ditching the Mittens brand?

Author’s note: I don’t care who writes it, just so long as it is not me that has to do it.

Editor’s note: It has to be you. If it’s you, everyone in the comments section will be all nice and complimentary and stuff!

Author’s note: I would hate to let down my public.  But still, my integrity as an artist will not allow me to prostitute my talents on such a banal article!

Editor’s note: Integ… YOU WRITE FAN-FICTION!


Editor’s note: Oh, so that’s on me now? Look, just write the bleedin’ piece already. Two freaking paragraphs. Blah blah TMC moving to ImpNews blah blah keeping the old site while we make sure the new one is up to snuff and giving our people options for the platform they prefer blah blah… c’mon. Just make stuff up.

Author’s note: No.  Now you have insulted me.  If you want this piece to be out so badly, you do it!

Editor’s note: Like I’ve got time for that?

Author’s note: I’ll just file that excuse under ‘Not My Problem.’

Editor’s note: Hey, snowballs ain’t the only thing that rolls downhill, y’know. You make things difficult for me, well. . .

Author’s note: You will what?  Come on.  Pay me less?  Let me do some math here . . . thought so.  Fire me?  CZ would be on their knees to have me writing for them exactly thirty seconds after the fact.  Make me write stupid bullshit articles?  Well, we’re already here.  You can’t take away my birthday, Arrendis!

Editor’s note: I’ll freakin’ cancel Christmas, though! I mean… look, we both know there’s stuff you want to put out that most places won’t touch. You scratch my back, right? Besides, CZ can’t even afford to pay you right now. This won’t take long, and once it’s done, it’s all good. No harm, no foul.

Author’s note: You know, I am going to text Mittani and tell him you’re being mean to me.

Editor’s note: I’m not being mean! I’m being nice! I’m giving you a quick byline here that keeps your name out in front of everyone!

Author’s note: It ruins my brand.  We’re arguing in circles.  Why don’t you just do it?

Editor’s note: Me? I’m not a writer!

Author’s note: Then what was that article I just read from you.  You know, the one I even gave you feedback for when you were writing it?

Editor’s note: That was an EDITORIAL. I’m an Editor. I Editorialize!

Author’s note: Well, editorialize this, then!

Editor’s note: But.. I… feh. You know what? Screw it. You win. Just… just screw it. Don’t write the piece. See if I care. Hmm… maybe I will get Mittens to write the damned announcement.

Author’s note: Good!  Also, has anyone told you that you use too many ellipses when you’re writing?

Editor’s note: Shoosh.

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  • Rhivre

    I do not recognise anything in this piece at all, it does not reflect my experiences at all, nope, not at all, in any way…
    PS: What,….is….wrong…with…ellipses?

    October 18, 2016 at 10:53 AM
    • Sophia 'Alizabeth' S Rhivre

      Giggles all morning long.

      October 18, 2016 at 5:45 PM
  • Elsa

    hi hello? I want to report a discrepancy in this article. It was tagged humor but I think maybe someone forgot to include it in the body. thank you god bless

    October 19, 2016 at 9:05 AM