The Server
By Edgar Allen Fofofofofofofofofofofo
Once upon a Wednesday dreary, while we pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a tired and tedious staging fort of which we bored–
As we shipspun, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping on their mic once more
“Clear the comms you fucking pubbies,”
Grumbled Toni Delancor.
Ah, distinctly I recall thus, it was in the heat of August
And a smokey black emission from the server fission poured
Eagerly I waited downtime;–stupidly for Eve I’d found time,
From my work I took some sick leave, sick leave for this TiDi tour,
Logged out there for evermore.
And the flat, colorless textures of potato-moded fixtures
Scared me, dared me to attempt a graphics setting never tried before,
Though I knew I should not do this, still I felt a call of hubris
So I wondered if it’s true, this, that all effects I must abjure,
All effects and textured models, even sounds I must abjure,
Low graphics, and nothing more.
Presently, my soul grew stronger, my erection even longer,
“Fleet,” said Asher, “jump to cyno,” here we all kicked in the door;
Now no time for thought or fear, no; now to tackle like a hero
All our Nyxes jumped to zero on the keepstar’s upper door,
And we spread our points on titans untethered on the keepstar’s door,
Supers there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I loaded, wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams that no grid would ever load this tour,
But my connection was broken, and the server gave no token,
And the only words there spoken, were the fuckwords that I swore,
These I whispered, and on comms an echo drew from me even more,
Merely fuckwords, nothing more.
Once again I’m on the launcher, wishing the server were stauncher,
But just then a fleet was conjured somewhat larger than before,
“FAXes” said he, “FAXes jump the cyno, don’t you dare to ask but why tho;
Everything is going fine though now your buffer’s needed more–
Now because of disconnections all your buffer’s needed more;–
’tis CCP, nothing more!”
Eager to elicit max salt here I alt-tabbed to my FAX alt
When there came a socket closure warning from the days of yore,
Not the least regard it paid me, but immediately stayed me,
With the cruelty of Hades popped it up on my clients four,
Popped up in the middle of each screen in all my clients four,
Popped up and froze, nothing more.
Then this socket error was mocking as my cock it sure was blocking,
By the stresses on the server that were groaning to be sure,
“Though you labor long and tiring, thou,” I said “will need rewiring;
And I hope CCP’s aspiring to build clusters that take more–
Tell me when I can log back in to fight in this huge space war!”
Quoth Tranquil’ty, “Nevermore.”
This I found a little shocking, to hear the server plainly talking,
And its answer though rather mocking little relevancy bore,
For I cannot help but note here that no veteran capsuleer
Ever has been able to hear servers speak before,
Node or hub or client even heard he speak before,
Login times like “Nevermore.”
But this cruel notification still adorned my battle station
Drawing from me no elation as if my tears were why it formed,
Nothing changed from what it stated, though I patiently awaited
For the change anticipated, there I sat at home forlorn
In a minute it will leave me, as the servers again perform,
Then the prompt said “Nevermore.”
Startled at this word unheeded from this messenger unneeded,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store
Trained by angry server hamsters who power these cruel disasters
Running fast and running faster till they melt the server cores–
Till the wheels come off the rails and offline all the server cores
Of ‘Never–nevermore.'”
But the server still forbearing all my focused forceful swearing
Here I went to prepare dinner, laundry and some other chores
But upon my late returning still I found the wait wheel turning
And my mind was still now churning why the socket failed before
Over and over again churning why the socket failed before
Why it connects “Nevermore.”
On this alone my mind was chugging as I tried cables unplugging
To appease this server mugging me of all my fun space war,
Though my modem was still online and my Mumble chat too was fine
And my browser did as assigned despite eighty tabs or more
Even with ten media playing tabs among eighty or more
EVE connects, ah, nevermore!
Then it seemed to briefly connect, paying me at last some respect
But before the grid had loaded I found myself offline once more,
“Bitch!” I cried, “my pod’s not empty! If it dies there’s no SRP!
Connect–connect and then spare me from this bureaucratic chore!
Load the grid and warp and spare me from Atrum’s Kafkaesque chore!”
Quoth Tranquil’ty, “Nevermore.”
“Server!” said I, “thing of evil! Server still if node or devil!–
Whether Falcon sent or whether DDOS killed logins afore,
Refusing my most honored handshake, certainly this is a mistake–
Though I hear others it will take–tell me truly, I implore!
Is there–is there hope my Nyx survives? Tell me-tell me, I implore!”
Quoth Tranquil’ty, “Nevermore.”
“Server!” said I, “thing of evil! Server still if node or devil!
By that EULA that doth bind us, by the spacegame that we both adore–
Tell this disconnected egger you won’t go and pull a legger
That I needn’t be a beggar to join my friends in the space war
Beg and plead on bended knee to join this historic space war
Quoth Tranquil’ty, “Nevermore.”
“Be that word our final exchange, dev or bug!” I yelled, deranged,
“Log me back into the tempest of the keepstar’s tethered Horde!
Leave no pixel as a token of the horror thou hath spoken!
Leave my lonely night unbroken! Load grid on this keepstar’s door!
Log my alts back into staging and my Nyx on keepstar’s door!”
Quoth Tranquil’ty, “Nevermore.”
And my server login token, still is broken, still is broken,
And my Nyx sits unawoken where once was a keepstar door,
But downtime comes on the morrow, and perhaps an end of sorrow
And a big old loan I’ll borrow because this DC made me poor
A Delve hour loan I’ll borrow and I’ll rat to not be poor
For I will mine–nevermore!
Written and Performed by Paramemetic.
Video improvements by Wulkans.
