Mittens’ Kittens Gaining Traction


Header art by Quendan Comari.

Among Imperium Leadership the name Mittens’ Kittens is gaining support. Now, a coalition finds itself at a nomenclatural crossroads.

The Story So Far…

On September 25, Yours Truly published an open letter to The Mittani on this very site, and it got more traction than I could have ever dreamed. Since then, Mittens’ Kittens in myriad forms has been taking over not only the Imperium’s chat channels, but also showing up on public sites like Reddit. For two Fireside Chats—The Mittani’s weekly address to the Imperium—and Meta Show broadcasts, the chat feed has swarmed with posts by Imperium members asking our Dear Leader to comment on the name. They were rewarded: on the October 1 Meta Show, Mittens said, “Have a wonderful evening to all of my kittens.”

The chat went wild. In a follow up, Mittens said that he had no problem with the name. Clearly, the name Mittens’ Kittens is a palatable choice. What does this endorsement mean?

(Dear Reader, I’m dropping all objectivity here. I’m a proud member of Goons, and a friend of The Mittani. I have been for years and will continue to be.)

This is the season for change. As the season changes into autumn, the human mind prepares for the dark winter. As the Imperium moves into the next few months, we find our floodplains overflowing and prepare to endure a siege of our home region. Just like humanity has endured the winter, we can endure this attack and emerge in the spring.

That Heading The Editor Put In To Annoy The Author

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose / By Any Other Name would smell as sweet.” The Bard might be right when he penned that phrase, but names do matter. As players, we’ve all had to come up with names for ourselves in EVE; we’ve had to come up with handles for other internet spaces, like SA. If the Imperium changed its name tomorrow to anything at all, the coalition would still be besieged. However, the name we have can shape the psychology of our efforts over time.

Our enemies have named themselves the Anaconda Coalition. Frankly, it sounds like a five year old boy came up with it, with an overexcited explanation of how cool an anaconda is, how big an anaconda is, possibly some bits about the movie, more about how cool it is, and making certain that everyone knew that the anaconda is the biggest snake in the world. If the goal of our enemies was to provoke laughter and derision they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.

TEST leads the Legacy Coalition. That’s the only coalition in the game with a worse name than Imperium. Legacy sounds like some corporate focus group sat down and came up with the most inoffensive, most meaningless name they could. Legacy barely works better than “TEST and those guys with them”, and only because Legacy has less syllables. Test Alliance Please Ignore has some depth to it; it’s amazing they forgot about the importance of a name when coming up with one for their coalition.

Oh, I’m being invaded
By the Anaconda Coalition,
The Anaconda Coalition,
The Anaconda Coalition,
I’m being invaded by the Anaconda Coalition,
And I don’t like it—one bit.
Well, what do you know?
It’s nibblin’ my toe.
Oh, gee,
It’s up to . . . wait, still on my toe.
Oh my,
Yeah, still on the toe. I’ll let you know when they get to Delve folks.

-With apologies to Shel Silverstein

PanFam, Pandemic Family, actually has a lot to admire about it. It’s descriptive and prescriptive at the same time. The different groups of PanFam share a very different alliance culture, but they are family at the same time, bonds that are stronger than just winding up flying together for a while. It’s also short and to the point. PandaFam has a bit of a quirky whimsey and serves well as an affectionate nickname.

In the Grim Future of EVE Online….

And then we have the Imperium. Let’s be honest: all of us are gamers. Given the amount of Warhammer 40k-inspired propaganda we put out, it’s quite clear what we want the name to evoke. Of course, on a superficial level the Imperium of 40k might be cool with Leman Russ tanks, space marines, the Death Korps of Krieg, and other wonderful imaginations, but dig deeper and we have problems. 

The Imperium is besieged by enemies on all sides, and they’re losing. Territory was lost never to be reclaimed. Humanity is raging against the dying light. A bloated bureaucracy causes more problems than one can count. The Corpse Emperor sits on the Carrion Throne doing nothing, watching helplessly as his dream dies. 

Do we really want to be associated with that? We can keep our 40K quotes and imagery without having the name, you know.  Honestly, it’s only because our enemies are stupid that “Corpse Emperor Mittani” is not spammed propaganda.

The Internet is for Cat Memes

Mittens’ Kittens as a name is descriptive, vibrant and hopeful. A kitten is just beginning its life, cute and adorable, but willing to scratch a bitch at the slightest cause or even whim. A kitten is eager to explore, to grow, to learn. Besides, how many times has anyone heard one of our fleet commanders complain about herding cats?

Mittens’ Kittens has that wonderful rhyme to it, a couplet non plus ultra. As an epithet Mittens’ Kittens has no equal. It’s easily shortened to Kittens for conversational speech and informal writing. As I pointed out previously, there is no end to the cat propaganda that we can make. 

No one besides The Mittani knows whether the Imperium will change its name. However, our Dear Leader has given his blessing for us to use the name if we wish to. For myself, I can see Mittens’ Kittens as a nickname. The future is a ball of brightly-colored yarn.

Author’s note: I hope everyone reads these articles in the light-hearted manner they were intended.  If you don’t laugh, you’re probably stupid.  Or a member of TEST.  But I repeat myself.

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  • Simon Chui

    When I hear Mitten’s Kittens I imagine a SIG that specialises in Caracals.

    October 14, 2020 at 11:41 AM
  • Guilford Australis

    Anaconda Coalition is so ironic and cringy. I take it the imagery was meant to evoke encircling and crushing prey. The obvious problems are (1). There are only two directions from which to attack Delve – north and east – not exactly what I’d characterize as “encircling,” and (2). That plan failed because TEST is useless, which forced PanFam to restage from Fountain to Querious so the coalition could actually make numbers for strategic objectives.

    They should rename it the Bison Coalition after the large but stupid animal that rolls around in its own urine and bashes its head against things.

    October 14, 2020 at 12:22 PM