How to Write A Comment, by Ramon McElvis

2020-10-27

Header Art by Chadstick

Editor’s note: We got this user submission and thought you might enjoy it. We tried not to wreck the tone with too much editing. 

I just love reading stories on INN and posts on sites like reddit and I especially enjoy making comments on those stories. I also read a lot of comments, mostly because I want people to read my cool comments, so I end up seeing a lot of lame comments. I can’t believe how shitty most comments are, so I’ve decided to give ya’ll some tips on how to make your comments better.  I mean, GOML guys.

Let me show you guys some actual examples from an INN story that got a LOT of comments recently:  the one about the PAPI Keepstar coming online. What a load of comments that lil’ story provoked–reminded me of when my teacher Mizz Prizm got her new . . . . Well, I better not finish that story.  Let’s just say, sheesh.  So, first comment:

  • Ganthrithor: This is fucking bullshit: CCP for FUCKING YEARS . . .

This one has several things I just love.  First, it uses a lot of all caps. That’s so cool. I mean, caps are cool just by themselves and I never really did learn the rules for when to use them, so I just use them Random, and it’s really cool when people use caps all Random in their names, like “nOOb” and stuff and I like when people use numbers instead of letters like “R3dpeel,” but I’m getting abstracted and have to stay on topic. That’s what Mizz Prism says a lot, but I find her abstracting, so there’s that. Sheesh. Second of all, besides the all caps that I just mentioned in case you forgot, this comment has three words that would turn my granny green if she heard me say, so I just think that’s cool.  I mean, three “bad” words in the first eight words. Wow.  I’m sure you’ll agree with me.  That’s a cool post.

Here’s another one:

  • PAPI4lyfe: cry harder maybe someone will care

I can’t even tell you how much I love this comment.  First, the guy’s name is just SO cool.  It has some parts all caps, AND it has a number, AND it misspells “lyfe,” at least I think it does, but it does so inventionally, so it’s “cool like dat.” Damn I wish my name was that cool, but I’m getting abstracted. The comment has no punctuation at all. It’s like, to hell with rules and school and stuff and Mizz Prizm and her calling my dad when she opened my locker and stuff. Rebel. Gotta love it. But also look at what it says!  Nothin’. I mean no one will be able to write a counter comment to this because it doesn’t make any points!  Since there’s no argument, there’s no way it can be interdicted, or whatever that word is. Maybe you guys know. Some of you seem to know a lot of words. That’s your problem. Get a lyfe! See what I did right there?

Another one:

  • Step Stool: of course 🙂 goon will delete all comments eventually that are against their narrative

Again, no punctuation unless you count the lame smiley face.  Rules are for Tools, if you get my drift. I just love that he put “goon” instead of Goons because it makes almost no sense that way and we can’t figure out which “goon” he means. Maybe he means the head goon, but since we don’t know we can’t complain.  But also, he makes a claim that has no basis in fact:  “goon will delete all comments eventually that are against their narrative”  Just for kicks I looked at some articles on INN from years ago and they still had all the comments there for people to read, even some pretty lame ones if I must say so myself, so I kinda think Step Stool has stepped in something and it’s still on his ShoeS, but that doesn’t make his comment any less cool but only MORE cool.  To hell with the truth, as I’ve so often thought, like when the cops came to my school about the stuff in my locker. I don’t have to tell you guys shit; that’s what it says in the 2nd commendment. But I’m getting abstracted. Somewhere I heard that if you just lie a lot and tell the same lie over and over, people actually start to believe it. I mean, I’ve sometimes kinda wondered if that explains American politics. I mean, sheesh. So, I say to Step Stool, just keep posting that kinda stuff.  Who cares if it’s true?  Obviously, you don’t and why should you?  Truth is for people who care and cry harder or something.

Now, I want to show you guys some lame comments so you can see what you shouldn’t do.

  • Arrendis: So, just to touch on rhetoric, self-contradiction, and cultism, lemme just point something out here. For the previous four keepstars, the refrain coming out of PAPI, from the leadership to the line members was ‘that was a bait keepstar to get you guys to feed’. Now, let’s say for a moment that that’s accurate. If the objective is to get Goons to feed, then why completely encase the keepstar in bubbles? I mean, when you set a trap, do you seal the whole thing up so nothing can fall into it? Do you set up a box snare inside a closed box?

I only put a really small part of this, because talk about wall of text, sheesh.  TL: DR, dude! But almost everything about this comment is lame.  First, who the hell knows what rhetoric is, bro?  GOML, and my level is pretty low, OK? You are not teaching a class at Liberty University here, or StanFord (I’ve often wondered who Stan Ford was and why that school is in California when everyone knows Fords come from Detroit just like Prince, but I’m getting abstracted. There’s a lot of fancy words here.  This is a frickin’ game.  I mean, we don’t ask guys playing Call of Duty to explain their rhetoric, if you are dreamin’ what I’m streamin’ and I think you are. He uses the word “refrain” and uses it totally wrong and spelled it wrong.  It’s RESTRAIN, like in RESTRAINING order, dude, like what Mizz Prism put on me, after the incident . . . But I’m not talking about that because anybody can read this, even cops. I can see what yur trying to do there, get me to admit to stuff. But back to the comment. It uses quotation marks and they make it hard to follow. I mean, it was already hard with those big words. And then all those questions at the end?  Are you expecting me to think?  Are you freaking serious?! I prefer reading comments that talk about somebody’s mother being under a desk. And I’m not alone, huh? 

I really hope I’ve helped you guys.  Just to remind ya: 

  • Keep comments super short and to hell with commas and stuff
  •  If you don’t make any sense, no one can interdict you
  • Leave the truth to Mizz Prizm and the cops. This is a game, bro!
  • Send money to the “Free Ramon McElvis Defense Fund.” I’ve been framed!

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Comments

  • Menaiya

    I have now had my education on shitposting properly assured. Thank you.

    October 27, 2020 at 10:58 AM
  • Guilford Australis

    Replies are as important as comments. They should be witty, incisive, and trollish. The best replies give the illusion of responding to the original comment but without actually contributing anything of value. Ideally, replies shouldn’t have a point. They should be written simply for the pure amusement that comes from cleverly trolling some sloped-forehead moron trying to masquerade as a Big Brain Smart Person.

    October 27, 2020 at 1:08 PM
  • Moomin Amatin

    m00m1n: ONLY 1 EGGSAMPLE OF LAME COMMENT AND NOT THE MANnY PROMISED BY TEH USE OF PLURAL
    TYPICAL GON SPIN
    HAT GON
    GRR GON
    GON BAD
    DELETE GON

    October 27, 2020 at 2:49 PM
  • Terminator025

    Just post

    October 27, 2020 at 10:19 PM
  • Simon Chui

    remember if u really like a comment you should upvote it and you always really like your own comments because why else would you make it

    October 27, 2020 at 10:23 PM
    • Simon Chui Simon Chui

      wow that’s really smart you must be a smart person

      u can also make another account to reply to yourself to seem more important just make sure to switch accounts so people dont notice

      October 27, 2020 at 10:25 PM
      • Moomin Amatin Simon Chui

        Is that you Valkorsia?

        October 28, 2020 at 7:06 AM
        • Simon Chui Moomin Amatin

          Never. He tried to instigate drama by hurling insults at himself, whereas I’m full of positivity and praise… for myself. Completely different.

          October 28, 2020 at 9:03 AM
  • Frozen Fallout

    Interesting concepts that are being played with here.

    October 28, 2020 at 12:30 AM
  • Zaand

    )

    That was figuratively killing me.

    October 28, 2020 at 2:34 PM
  • Kirk Bergere

    Wow..now that was bad. Or maybe some kinda inside joke i don’t get. Read about 33.3% (repeating, of course) of the article. Hope the unread parts were an improvement.

    October 29, 2020 at 5:25 AM
    • Arrendis Kirk Bergere

      Read about 33.3% (repeating, of course)

      There’s your problem, you kept reading the first third, over and over again!

      October 29, 2020 at 4:22 PM
    • Coreola Kirk Bergere

      They were not.

      November 1, 2020 at 10:38 PM