As INN’s newest editor, I, Paramemetic, am “delighted” to bring you along with me as we “enjoy” the second event of EVE FanFest 2018. In the opening ceremony, CCP Guard assured us that this would be “funny.” I suspect that it will be at least as funny as it is “easy” to deploy an update to the chat system.
I haven’t slept in 2 days, I’m heavily caffeinated, and I’m looking forward to bringing you all with me as I enjoy this rare treat.
1301: “ImprovIceland” is on the stage and they have promised to never do it again. They have also never done it before. We’re starting out with the Space Pope apparently.
1303: Whiffed the delivery. But they got Space Pope out the second time. Hi Max.
1306: We’re shouting words at Pope Max and he’s supposed to say things based on that. The first word is “wormhole.” Space Pope is explaining wormholes to people who don’t play Eve. “Wormholes are a dangerous place because there are very dangerous people in there.” “Why do you want to go in there?” “Because there’s also money.”
1308: There appears to be a smoke machine going off for some reason.
1310: ImprovIceland nervously laughing in the way most non-Eve players (read: normal people) do when someone is telling them about Eve Online.
1311: First good joke of the day, Space Pope mentions there was a bug in the code in wormholes “for the first four days.”
1313: We’re trying to explain podding people out of a wormhole to non-Eve players.
1314: Aaand, I think the ImprovIceland people are acting these things out now. They’re going to be nice Sleepers now.
1316: They’re really doing their best. I can’t be mad at them. One of them just called the other a nerd. That’s the realest thing I’ve ever seen.
1318: We just went from some riffing about coca cola to someone showing someone else his missiles. They’re accidentally nailing wormholes. “Don’t ask where our system is. We don’t know what the system is called.”
1319: “Your father and I had an argument last night, and now he’s cloaked himself and I can’t find him.”
1321: I’ve lost tracking on this entirely.
1322: “There’s a glitch in the system, there’s no exit.”
“Kill me. Kill me. We need guns so we can kill ourselves.” :agreed:
1323: “We need to die. We need to stop breathing. We need our bodies to stop working so we can go home.”
I know, right?
1324: Next up is an improvised musical. Oh dear.
1325: Our song options were “Burn Jita,” “Grr goons,” and “Internet spaceship is serious business.” They struggled hard with “grr goons.” Looks like we’re getting “Internet spaceships are serious business.”
1327: They’ve asked the person who suggested it onto the stage to explain what “Internet spaceships are serious business” means.
Space Pope is trying to rescue him by explaining this in terms of people multiboxing 23 accounts on 10 monitors. Sixth Empire saving lives right here.
1330: We’ve mixed all the things he said from the first line.
I don’t know how you overproduce something with a single piano and yet somehow it’s being achieved here.
1331: “If we just play Eve Online everything will be just fine.” “The best relationship is friendship.”
To be honest they were closer to the real Eve experience with “kill me, I need to die.”
1334: “I don’t have any friends at school, I wish I had friends.” “Yeah but you are not very fun, kid. I wish the best for you but other people don’t like you, because you’re not fun.”
Okay we’re nailing Eve again. Back on target.
1336: “They don’t like you, you are boring.” If you take this in a big picture interpretative way, where she’s actually representing Eve itself, we’re nailing the meta-commentary in a way they can’t even possibly appreciate.
1338: Holy shit they are sick burning all of us, this is coming from their hearts. “I’m playing Eve Online okay! It’s a cool game! I found a wormhole, okay!?!?” This is how they really feel. I cannot blame them.
1342: We’re making an “Eve Online is like drugs” kind of sketch right now, it’s not wrong, it’s just not not wrong in the right ways…or something.
Oh god they’re taking our their frustration on all of us. This is beautiful.
1344: “Come join us in a game that’s a big party.” Not… not really.
“Some people say it’s lame.” … can’t argue with that.
“Some people do it to find relationships or make new friends.” – obvious spies.
1346: Singing and dancing with all the enthusiasm of people being paid to sing and dance about Eve Online.
1347: “It’s cool your daughter met a bunch of people who are going to seal her in a dark room now, but it’s cool, it’s totally cool now.”
I’m not convinced CCP didn’t explain to them how the basic new player onboarding loop works.
1350: 10 minutes left, we’re back to the “best relationship is friendship” refrain.
1352: “I have no lover, I only know pain. I’m a weird man from America who doesn’t know how to play this game.” Accidentally nailing it again. They’re taking a bow, I think that’s the right note to go out on, frankly.