Header art by Cryo Huren
Hello again, spacefriends. It is I, Ganthrithor. I’m sure you have all heard of momentous recent EVE events such as:
- Some battles over a ratting citadel
- Some titans died
- Also a lot of dreadnoughts, I guess
- Gaming’s biggest ever coalition REALLY WANT TO FIGHT IMPERIUM SUPERCAPS but unfortunately a game bug that is entirely the fault of CCP I guess prevented them from finding the log-in button after the first downtime-intermission, or something?
- Lots of ships are stuck next to that ratting station? If they’re stuck because of a game bug why don’t they just file a stuck petition idk?
Of course, there are plenty of people who have written many words about these important happenings. But have you heard, dear reader, about what has been happening in Querious? Stay awhile and listen as this bitter vet regales you with tales of the Eastern Front in a confused voice that can’t decide if it wants to emulate a Western or a Genuine Icelandic Saga™. Today’s portion of the Saga will introduce the men of Delta Sqad and tell of some of their early exploits in the rough, wild country of Querious.
Delta After Dark: Veteran Newbees Off the Chain
Shortly after the Horn of Goondor was famously sounded, I began flying with a group within Goonswarm known as Delta Sqad. A remnant of the ancestral Goonswarm “Squad System” historically known for their good posting and total lack of non-belief in themselves, Delta Sqad was raised from the scrapheap of Goon history and revitalized as what we now call a “special interest group.” Comprised largely of returning veterans of the first Great War who have no idea what the fuck is going on in EVE Online in 2021, we in Delta Sqad have embraced our lack of competence and cheerfully leaned in to good times in an attempt to yeet ourselves into the :happysun:. Rubbing the sleepies from our eyes and noticing an abandoned Imperium Keepstar rotting in the now-hostile region of Querious, we saddled up some T1 cruisers and set off to blaze our own path.
After making our battle-Badger pilgrimage to W6V, we decided to make what we could of the place. This was tough country—hostiles were all around. Heck, we didn’t even have sov in W6V when we started: only our homestead station—it wasn’t much, but it was cozy. Knowing that “Gon Can’t Tackle,” and that there were only a few of us around, we started small. We decided to shoot cyno recons in PAPI’s Keepstar system of P-Z, since they presumably tackled themselves. On the first attempt, we were sadly disappointed to find that if the cyno field expires before the cyno ship itself, the ship simply re-tethers and cannot be destroyed. Even cyno killing, it seemed, was beyond our competence.
But we persevered! The next time a cyno was lit, we brought a scram, and that cyno died. We continued to kill cynos in our haphazardly-fit garbage cruisers. Now confident in our ability to engage at least stationary ships, we attempted to broaden our horizons. We looked for POS to shoot—because you can’t win a war thing without shooting POS, right? But we couldn’t find any POS: apparently those weren’t a thing anymore. We decided we’d just start calling all kinds of structures POS, which solved our problem and allowed us to shoot some POS immediately.
The Men of Delta Hunt a Ratter
One thing that has not been spoken of yet is that at this time there was a man named Chocolat Mad, who was from a foreign land to the east. This man had seen the hills and forests of Querious and its seas full of fish from the decks of his Aeon-class supercarrier and decided that he would like to farm them for his own.
Without consulting Delta Sqad, this man immediately moved his Aeon into the quiet bay of DS-LO3 and began to hunt and fish. He lived grandly and had all the best provisions and often drank late into the night even when certain men of Delta were to be seen leering at him from nearby hilltops. For Chocolat Mad had few cares, and believed the men of Brave and TEST alliance were eager to help him fend off any who would contest his ravaging. This was not the case, as in his avarice he failed to notice that many men of Brave and TEST had moved far to the west, to Delve. Still, despite the great distances the PAPI invaders had seen to it that many jump bridges and cyno beacons were installed that would allow their men to quickly return to Querious if necessary, and so Chocolat Mad thought himself quite safe.
There was a Jarl named Aritzia who was a man of Goonswam. Jarl Aritzia was among the noblest of Goons, tall and strong and intelligent and the best at all kinds of games—especially cyno-racing and cross-country Badger racing which were his inventions. No man of Goonswarm was his equal in these things. Jarl Aritzia was also very wealthy, and although the origins of his wealth were elusive he was regarded as the most generous of Goons. He lived grandly and had a great longship called “Aritzia’s Leviathan” as well as several farmhouses, and he always had with him many men who he kept well-supplied with ample Vexors and Ruptures.
One day, Jarl Aritzia was riding from one of his farmhouses to another when he spotted at some distance the Aeon of Chocolat Mad gorging itself on fish in the bay of DS-LO3. He asked his men if they knew who this man was and nobody knew, although from the colors of his banner and the shit-talk that could be heard echoing on the wind and the inhuman smells of his r/eve posting it seemed likely he was a man of Brave. Seeing this miscreant helping himself to the bounty of the lands of Querious, Jarl Aritzia attempted to accost the man from the shore and make demands on him, but in his hubris Chocolat Mad merely continued gorging himself on sweet Blood Raider frigates and did not care to answer. Resolving to respond to this insult, and reasoning in his wisdom that such a man would only respond to force, Jarl Aritzia and his men returned to his farmhouse in W6V to raise a band of men.
Although King Mittani of Delve was not consulted and his Hersirs seemed to be broadly uninterested in a matter so petty as the slaying of a solitary Aeon, the rowdy men of Delta Sqad and many other men of Goonswarm and of other alliances were assembled. Jarl Aritzia had made his case to many other prominent men, and all had agreed that Chocolat Mad was a stain on the Querious community and that his abuse of Delta lands could not be allowed to continue. Many Kikimoras were assembled in King Mittani’s capital of 1DQ1, and the jet-black Redeemers of Blackops were summoned. While the Aeon was stalked, men of Blackops cunningly placed anchorable bubbles on the jump bridges and cyno beacons of PAPI everywhere in Querious so that their men would be unable to make haste to DS- to defend their kinsman—if they were even inclined to do so.
After what seemed a very long time, the bubbles were ready and the Aeon was stalked and a trap was laid. Aritzia used his great longship “Aritzia’s Leviathan” to fling the many bold Goon fighters to F2O and then across the Fake Querious Sea to W6V where they laid in wait under the cover of darkness and healed themselves from their jump-seasickness. As the orange mushrooms of these bold fighters dissipated many Goons waited in silence, anticipating the savagery that was about to commence. Many agonizing minutes passed and many men worried that Chocolat Mad’s hubris and avarice would be overcome by his cowardliness and that all would be for nothing. Finally, the Aeon was snared in Delta’s trap. Spears were shaken, swords drawn, and the men of Goonswarm let out a mighty war-cry as the cyno beacons were lit. The Leviathan opened its mighty doom-portal and the berserkers of Delta Sqad boldly led the way into this tunnel of lightning, eager to spill blood and set a table for the eagles.
But the gods favored Chocolat Mad that day: as Delta’s berserkers emerged from the lightning tunnel and jumped from their ships to storm the river banks, they found themselves not in the wilderness of DS- but rather amidst the familiar surroundings of Fake Querious. In our haste and lust for battle, we had unwittingly cynoed ourselves not to Jarl Aritzia’s Rapier of Justice, but rather to the quiet cyno beacon in F2O that we had traveled from only half an hour earlier. On realizing what had transpired, many men howled with laughter such that comms quickly descended into an indecipherably cacophony of screaming and crying and other inhuman, Goon-ly sounds. Horns of ale were brought out and the men feasted and toasted Aritzia’s dead Rapier and were very merry in spite of the less-than-ideal circumstances. Although Chocolat Mad was able to overcome the Rapier of Justice, he nevertheless came to appreciate the might of Delta Sqad as he quickly gathered his looted treasures and made haste from that place, never to be seen in DS- again, and this in itself was considered a reasonable achievement. This is where the story of the Aeon of Chocolat Mad ends.
(Editor’s Note: The Saga of Delta Sqad is a multi-part user-submission, released in installments. The story continues in Part II. INN would like to thank Ganthrithor, the brave Skald of Delta Sqad—or is that Sqald?—for sharing this epic tale of courage, berserker fury, and incompetent tackling of stationary cynos.)