This is by no means your usual battle report. The first question that will likely come to mind for older players is “has Bob risen again?”. This is in reference to Band of Brothers, the first elitist organisation that led to the birth of the likes of PL. Others may be concerned that Test has declared war on the rental wing of their coalition, Band of Backstabbers (AKA BoB). But neither of these is actually the case, this is all to do with the God of wormholes, Bob. The winner in this conflict should be all too obvious.
Bob is the God of wormholes and is steeped in history. For those of you unaware of Bob there is a very good piece written by Incindir Mauser that you can find here. That article was penned some three years ago and is as poignant today as it was then and before. As with other Gods, Bob is generally indifferent to the whims of mere capsuleers. Bob will grant favour and woe in a seemingly random manner. Well random to those unable to comprehend the will of a God.
You may very well be thinking now as to how Test encountered Bob. Test are currently in the process of working on their escalation path for nullsec warfare. This is being expressed in the form of securing great swathes of space, building wealth and most importantly capital production. It would seem that Test are still inclined to be involved in the affairs of others, as was demonstrated in the early hours of March 2.
The Culture were apparently concerned about the placement of a fortizar by The Imperium in the system of C-N4OD in the region of Fountain. So concerned that they had enlisted the help of many of the main alliances within nullsec. With the fortizar due to come online a little after 01:00 many fleets across New Eden had assembled and made their way to the target system, or at least close by.
Many friends of The Culture had made it to the target system with little event. C-N4OD had around one thousand pilots all eager to kill the onlining fortizar from The Imperium. There were still more ready to join the fray should The Imperium decide to take the fight. All in all there were approximately 1300 pilots on the side of The Culture. The range of ships to hand was from frigates right the way through to a sizeable capital fleet. The Culture had mustered good numbers themselves given the time as they are generally considered to be more EU centric. The real MVP of The Culture remains to be their ability to bat-phone.
Meanwhile, Test had managed to form their Hurricane battlecruiser fleet and had embarked on their journey to join their allies in Fountain. The route they were proposing to take involved the use of wormholes to reduce the total number of jumps in their journey. This is common practice for many although others will rarely risk using battle cruisers in such numbers. But Test had a plan. A plan to defeat the will of Bob. It was a cunning plan as it involved timing the jump in order to negate alleged wormhole mechanics.
For the uninitiated, a wormhole will allow ships of a certain size to jump through. But each wormhole is only able to support a certain amount of mass passing through it. With each ship jumping through the mass of each ship is deducted from the mass allowed for the wormhole. Once the wormhole mass has reached zero or less the wormhole will collapse with no trace of it having ever existed.
The wormhole experts of Test believed that the mass reduction was only performed at the end of a server tick. The server tick being performed once every second and is a common feature of the core mechanics of Eve Online. So the theory was that if Test all jumped into the wormhole at the same time that they would all get through, as they would bypass the server tick mechanic.
So with the Test fleet all being poised on the wormhole into J213534 ProGodLegend began his countdown from 5. Upon reaching 1 the command was given for the Test fleet to jump, which they dutifully did.
It was in this moment that ProGodLegend was judged by Bob. This clip was the result. As you can see, Bob had judged and found the Test fleet to be wanting. Test pilots then set about a complex sacrificial ritual in order to appease the wrath of Bob and make amends for their foolish beliefs. It is possible to only glimpse on the actual offering given to Bob. It is also likely that some poor souls from Test may still be wandering seeking an exit from J213534.
With The Imperium not being able to defend the fortizar through being unable to see from tears of laughter the fortizar died a quiet death. The allies of The Culture then started their long journeys back home also highly amused at the antics of Test.
In an unusual admission of failure ProGodLegend accepted his role in what had passed. He also called upon the Test leadership as can be seen here. Numerous posts have been made on this debacle such as the likes of this. It is unlikely that this event will be quickly forgotten. Whether ProGodLegend will continue to stream after this event is open for debate. Streaming removes any opportunity to hide from mistakes which makes those with thinner skins less likely to entertain such endeavours.
I would like to suggest to ProGodLegend that he spends the next three days reflecting on this event and to not to question Bob again so quickly.
The real winner in this tale is, of course, Bob. They have demonstrated yet again their power and indifference to all that dare to know their will. So the next time you happen to pass through a wormhole….
Praise Bob, blessed is their name.