Hakonen is one damn fine place to find yourself podded in
What started off with the normal joyous fuckery that the swarm is known for, the usual mouth breathers following around our beloved Mittani with leaf-fans galore, turned sour when our mass of fleets once more lost the onlining Fortizar. What I can only describe as a Netflix and F1 intense and white-knuckled battle slowly, and I do mean slowly, turned as the enemy fleet melted our beloved new Fortizar. We were mostly comprised of our new normal space trash typhoons as muscle, the galaxy wide Jackdaw meta and a random assortment of sub-cap support including but not limited to, Claws, Dictors, HIC’s and a few newbie vessels we give out so our young can have fun. There were also quite a few ships that are a bit out of my pay grade to write about. Even though the sound of bees could be heard fofofofofof’ing in local, the score here is we were not as victorious as I would like to tell you. Now here is the point many of our naysayers will disagree on, and surely accuse me of spin.
Goon Spin, Best Spin
Was the battle fun? Damn right. Will we just drop another Fortizar while laughing? Of fucking course. We didn’t want that Fortizar anyway. Our ‘Roach Motels’ have infested their very space; their lives will be full of fuckery for an unforseeable future. Much like the stoned pizza man who lets himself into your house, calls dibs on your wife, rummages through your fridge, eats your sandwich, then crashes on your couch. We’ve found our couch, our place to crash when we want to ruin someones day. It’s of my humble opinion that though they destroyed some space trash cans and a couple Fortizars, they have already lost as the swarm have tasted blood from the region. Even when we return home, squads will leave clones, alts will always be there waiting at the door. Friends of ours, friends of friends, neutral pilots who just want to bring hookers and boosters through their space will always have a place to cause them hell.
Pre-Fight Entertainment
The sweaty, unwashed masses formed up in Hakonen in our makeshift staging station. There was a merriment in the air, the carefree jovial swarm I’ve come to know and love. I even heard someone hired mariachi musicians to follow around the Mittani, lavishly serenading him with beautiful songs of his mighty deeds. Memes were flowing, pictures, most of them this humble writer cannot share with you now. There is a lot INN will let me get away with, but linking you the sights of local is likely not one of them. The normal pre-fight information went out, keep my comms clear, don’t mic check, don’t ask the FC a question that your buddy next to you can answer, ask your dumb question in fleet. Things that help keep the situational awareness of the Fleet Commanders high, were relayed to the crayon eating line members. Not three minutes later, “Mic Check, Mic Check” I’m looking at you Laz person I won’t roll under the bus, shame, shame on you. shame on your cow.
Depravity, Those Poor Newbies
The fleets undocked, each one of them finding their way to the FC in charge of them. I had settled in with a nice margarita and some pizza, and anchored up on my FC. The enemy fleet started making their way to the onlining Fortizar. They fielded much bigger ships, and actually out formed us by quite a bit. Comms were silent for what seemed like an eternity while we sat there anchored on an Astrahus. Pandemic Horde formed nice shiny toys to play with our rust fleet, mostly comprised of Machs and bigger. The Tidi was the stuff of nightmares, very quickly after the grid loaded all of our ships it kicked in. The fastest moving thing in local, was local. What I can only describe as a place worse than Jita, or alternatively, hell, local spiked with the usual fuckery. ISK-doubling schemes, framerate-doubling schemes(wasn’t me I swear), and your general “Want to buy nudes” solicitations. Those poor newbies. God help you if today was your first day in New Eden, I swear. my framerate-doubling service is legit. PM Johnny Crowe.
Doom, Doom to the Tamphoons
The fight seemed to be going well. From what I could see at the time. We seemed to be trading with the enemy quite nicely; their Machariels had to cost more than our space trashcans. You’d think so, one would think in a fight between a bunch of Machariels, and a bunch of damping Typhoons, at range the fight would be rather balanced. What we did not forsee was the difference in force amplifiers. We also didn’t forsee the Abaddon fleet we landed on at zero. Believe me, it wasn’t pretty. We traded carriers pretty evenly, but the ISK ratio was staggering at the time of writing this. I blame it on the Typhoon pilots who couldn’t fit T2 armor hardeners and upgraded to the more expensive faction armor hardeners. These are the reason our ISK ratio was so destroyed in my honest opinion. The Fortizar sadly did not make it, even now deep in Delve the miners are hard at work so that we can build illustrious statues to the heroes of these fleet battles, or because they are too greedy to help out, or maybe they are just trying to mine enough minerals to replace their Rorqual when they inevitably get dropped on.
Anyway, this is Johnny Crowe from Hakonen saying, third times the charm, Pandemic.
