All I Want for Christmas


Christmas is just around the corner, and for the first time, I have decided to make my wish list public. Some of this will be a no brainer (see: item one on the list); some might be out of left field.

Sophie’s Christmas Wish List:

1: I would like Empress Jamyl back. It’s been long enough, CCP. You’ve had your fun and jokes. Yes, yes, I know my tears are so invigorating. It’s stopped being funny. Bring her back, I don’t care how. Okay, I might care some. Jamyl Tyrranos is NOT going to be a thing.

2: Jamyl Tyrranos is something I DO NOT want. I’ve had enough sadness and misery this year.

3: I would like for CCP to rehire ex-CCPs Greyscale and Tony G. And then I would like for CCP to fire them both again. This would make me very happy.

4: Sarum Skins for every ship. I mean it. Every ship. I want a skin licence for every ship in the game, much like the victory skins, for House Sarum. Red and gold and crossed swords on every blinking ship. I will happily swipe my credit card for two hundred United States Dollars for the privilege of owning such a skin, likely on more than one character. Someone out there probably thinks I am joking, or something. You really don’t know me, do you?

5: Toys! Forget shirts and mugs and keychains. You know what I really want? Toys! I want an Empress Jamyl doll, complete with royal robes and crown; additional Ni-Kunni slaves sold separately. I have a spot on the shelf. CCP should work with American Girl. (This would honestly be a good idea if there were more than 3 women playing EVE Online.)

6: I would like for the CCP store to start stocking Sarum merchandise in their store. Red and gold is the best colour scheme ever. Also, maybe #notmyempress coffee mugs so I can show my real thoughts about Empress Catiz. Yes, I know I said I forget shirts and mugs. I changed my mind.

7: Toy idea two! Empress Jamyl playset: an Abaddon and twelve Apocalypse battleships to represent her fleet at the Battle of Mekhios! Minmatar fleet sold separately. (Also, that Minmatar fleet should have a button press to make it, like, explode [suitable for children over the age of twelve only.].)

8: Toy idea three! Imperial Palace Lego Set, complete with torture chamber for Karsoth and throne room for Empress Jamyl. This is the Imperial Palace, so it needs to be BIG. Massive. Lots of pieces. There’s also room for the expansions. You can have the Privy Council chambers, the bed chambers, and the Empress’s chapel. It is Lego, so the possibilities are endless.

9: Not even bothering with numbers anymore. Lego ships. There’s the Sarum Omen, the Sarum Oracle, the Guardian, the Pilgrim, the Paladin, and many, many more Sarum ships. There are also—I am told by reliable sources—ships that are not in Sarum colours. I am sure that some of these might make good Lego sets as well. A Lego Caracal, for example. (I had to go look through the ship tree.)

10: I want CCP to be bought out by Disney. No one does princesses like Disney does. Space Princess Jamyl will literally be the best thing ever. Not only will Disney bring her back—maybe with a kiss on the lips from a really cute Deteis woman that finds her secret resting place in the dark and dangerous Drifter Hive—but we’ll have a Space Princess Jamyl animated TV show on the Disney channel! Additionally, no one does merchandise like Disney does. Space Princess Jamyl lunchboxes, Space Princess Jamyl blankets, Space Princess Jamyl t-shirts, hats, maybe even a Space Princess Jamyl ride at Disneyworld are all possible if Disney owns the EVE IP. We could even have Space Princess Jamyl and Space Princess Catiz replace Elsa and Anna as the best royal duo. Please make this happen.

11: I really, really, really, really, want Empress Jamyl back. Please?

12: I want to be able to buy that white dress Empress Jamyl wears in the Dust514 trailer. It looks amazingly cool and nothing like any other clothing in the NES. I know it exists; I’ve seen it. Sell it to me!

13: I want jump fatigue to go away. I know all the arguments for why it exists and is beneficial. I don’t care. I hate it, and I wish it was gone.

14: I want that red and gold dress that is on TQ, but not for sale for some reason. I’ve bugged everyone from CCP Seagull on down about that. Sarum Colours are red and gold. What does a girl have to do to get a red and gold dress? Beg? Consider this begging. Gunjack. I will get Gunjack if you let me buy that dress.

15: I would like CCP to declare “The Empyrean Age” and “Templar One” to be noncanon. Empress Jamyl, as I know and love, is a much better character if those two books never happen. In short, anything that didn’t happen anywhere else is not fucking canon.

16: Ugg Adirondack Tall boots. It’s cold in Wisconsin in the wintertime. Can we also throw in year round pumpkin spiced lattes?

17: I want Ashterothi—the no good blankity blank that wrote an article critical of Empress Jamyl to be published on that fake, hack, crummy EVE News Site Crossing Zebras—to stub his little toe on a coffee table every week for the rest of his life. Unless he pulls that article so that it never sees the light of day and embraces the love and awesomeness of Her Majesty Jamyl I.

18: Empress Jamyl back. Please?

I don’t think that I’ve asked for much. And I’ve been a very good girl this year. So, I hope I can at least get something on this list, maybe sixteen out of eighteen. Though, if I don’t get anything else for Christmas, I just want Empress Jamyl back.

(Editor’s Note: The author is an avowed Jamylite, member of the Sarum Tournament Team, and just a little bit obsessed. You should know this by now.)

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  • Ryan

    It’s true. Lego is pretty amazing stuff.

    December 19, 2016 at 9:30 AM
  • Rhivre

    Points 13, 14 and 16 do not have enough Jamyl.

    December 19, 2016 at 1:36 PM
    • Bill McDonough Rhivre

      You know she’s going to love you forever for that…

      December 19, 2016 at 2:08 PM
    • Sophia 'Alizabeth' S Rhivre

      I’ve found my new editor! Rhivre, take me away or lose me forever.

      December 19, 2016 at 3:40 PM
  • Bill Bones

    “14: I want that red and gold dress that is on TQ, but not for sale for some reason. I’ve bugged everyone from CCP Seagull on down about that. Sarum Colours are red and gold. What does a girl have to do to get a red and gold dress? Beg? Consider this begging. Gunjack. I will get Gunjack if you let me buy that dress.”

    Well, some clothing items not available for buying at TQ have been there since Incarna. That’s a whole 5 years and a half, or 66 months. 😉

    December 19, 2016 at 2:38 PM
    • Bill McDonough Bill Bones

      Honestly, I think there’s a lot more of a market for the clothing than CCP realizes—if they do decent-looking clothing, and don’t try to focus on ‘omg, let’s make this totally sci-fi clothes!’ quite so much. I mean, some of those items are just hideous, and others look like they stole them from Chris Tucker’s character in The Fifth Element.

      December 19, 2016 at 3:42 PM
      • I think there is a market for clothing, I was surprised how many people actually buy the tops etc.
        I also agree that a lot of it is horrible. Mostly I like the T-shirts, and the Festival pants are semi-ok.

        December 19, 2016 at 4:17 PM
  • Sophia 'Alizabeth' S

    I love how Arrendis felt the need to note that I was a devout Jamylite at the end of the article, as if it were not self-evident.

    December 19, 2016 at 4:33 PM
  • Caleb Ayrania

    I support all of this, especially if Falcon, Ashterothi et al will do something similar with the decadent Gallente Master Race. 🙂

    December 19, 2016 at 5:59 PM
    • Sophia 'Alizabeth' S Caleb Ayrania

      Their proper place is on their knees in chains.

      December 19, 2016 at 6:09 PM
      • Caleb Ayrania Sophia 'Alizabeth' S

        That sounds adventorous.. does such things have a dress code, and when are you sending out invitations?

        December 21, 2016 at 3:55 AM
        • Sophia 'Alizabeth' S Caleb Ayrania

          Every joke I want to make, I am sure Arrendis will actually come in and moderate.

          December 21, 2016 at 6:04 AM
  • Humanis

    All hail Jamyl!!! I want her back even I am not per se a Amarr fan.
    But she was great.

    December 19, 2016 at 7:33 PM
  • Daito Endashi

    Wow this was fun to read!
    Can have a slice of your vitality? ^^

    December 19, 2016 at 7:50 PM