JULY DIPLOMATIC UPDATE
On the right, the Imperium. On the left, the rest of sov nullsec.
You’re probably assuming you clicked on the wrong thread. There’s no possible way there could already be another Diplomatic Update already. They only come out at best every six months or so, right? Not anymore!
Your hardworking diplomats in Corps Diplomatique are thrilled to announce that we have committed to writing and publishing these updates monthly, rather than biannually. This means that you, the citizens of the Imperium, can look forward to being more regularly informed about the various doings around New Eden, like you’re in a diplomat automat. In CD news, we’ve hired a huge crew of eager new diplomats, who tremble like overexcited puppies as they begin to to contribute to the development and implementation of the Imperium’s foreign policy. Seriously, it’s like having a pack of adorable shibe pups tumbling around the CD jabber channel, sniffing things and occasionally barking at stray drama. They’ve been getting up to speed rapidly, though, and have already gotten to sink their teeth into some exciting things behind the scenes.
But enough about us. With the launch of FozzieSov halfway through July, there’s been a lot going on. Let’s begin at home.
The Imperium: Sense Amid Madness, Wit Amidst Folly
~you might say we’re more Cultured than the barbarians of the outer darkness~
It’s now been two weeks since the deployment of FozzieSov and while literally every other sov holder on the map had a volatile mix of acid and gasoline dumped on their faces and lit on fire, we have handled the changes with our usual organizational aplomb. Every Imperium alliance deserves a firm congratulatory shake of the hand for having their sov locked down tight and responding to incursions so effectively that, by and large, people have given up trying. High fives all around.
You’ll probably enjoy reading this post by Gevlon Goblin in which he puts forth the idea that Mordus Angels are, in fact, a superior PVP organization to the various Legions both Black and Pandemic because they managed to briefly snag a system. Note the top comment on that Reddit post, in which CCP Falcon knocks Gevlon out with his trademark Falcon Punch. Gevlon’s argument hinges on the fact that MoA briefly took a single system in Pure Blind. What he leaves out is that it happened more or less by accident. When you run a vast interstellar empire, sometimes you lose a solar system in the couch cushions and have to go dig for it like your girlfriend’s car keys after an extended makeout session. These things happen.
In GoonSwarm Federation, some things were delegated to other people, who did them. Go team us! Probably the biggest news of the month is a stroke of genius from finance director Aryth: the implementation of our new Section 8 renter system, which is bringing home the bacon. Those poor sectionated pigs.
The Bastion and Get Off My Lawn have been roaming, and being roamed by, their neighbors in Geminate – all in good fun, getting some small-gang content in without violating the NIP that is in place between them. Just sort of, you know, nipping at the edges.
It’s election season in Fidelas Constans as they vote on a new vice-CEO. As always, Corps Diplomatique reminds you that democracy in EVE is bad for your health and is a leading cause of institutional cancer in alliances over 40 members. And don’t forget the effect that secondhand democracy can have on your loved ones! Ask your doctor if the Dictatorship Patch is right for you!
Razor and The Initiative have embarked on a mini-campaign to reclaim some Venal money moons that have been taken by various parties over the last few months while folks have been busy prepping for FozzieSov. Their home in Tenal has been quiet, with no attempts to contest their sov under the new system, so a deployment was a welcome change from Tenal tedium.
SpaceMonkey’s Alliance has been doing some nation-building in Cloud Ring, having retained some systems there while hashing out a non-invasion pact for goodfites and continued income with J4LP, Lethal Intent and Iron Armada.
Executive Outcomes has found life in the shade of Branch a little overly quiet, and is looking for ways to streamline access to good fights.
Tactical Narcotics Team is holding steady in Tribute. They’ve had some sov incursions, which they have found great success in holding off with Dominix and Archon fleets used together like some sort of tactical… team.
Circle-of-Two has been focused almost solely on their Alliance Tournament preparations, while grappling with a certain amount of institutional exhaustion following the run-up to FozzieSov. Their first matchup in ATXIII is against Invictus Origin, a group who split off from CO2 some time ago; there’s a bit of a grudge involved, so in some ways the first AT match is the most important for them. Unfortunately, being focused on the test server means that things have been slipping through the cracks for CO2 on Tranquility. The alliance has had a rougher track record in coping with FozzieSov than most of the Imperium – horror of horrors, a single CO2 system is actually reinforced, though we expect that to be resolved shortly. This is still overwhelmingly better than what is happening everywhere else in EVE.
With the Imperial Procession complete, we now continue counterclockwise around the map…
Flyover Regions: Alliance Tournament Practice Season
There’s not much to say about Cloud Ring, Syndicate and Outer Ring at the moment. That’s partially because they’re mostly NPC regions, but it also has a lot to do with the fact that most of the Syndicate residents, notably including Rote Kapelle and our friends in GROON, will be participating in the upcoming Alliance Tournament. That means they’re spending all their time practicing – the only way they can succeed in the Alliance Tournament is by Rote learning.
The OSS is still masturbating furtively during gate camps in FD-MLJ and forgetting to mute their mics while they do so. FCON occasionally goes down to have goodfites with them from time to time as a sort of hobby, so there are a few battle reports being generated here and there.
The majority of Cloud Ring residents are, as previously mentioned, is under NIP with SMA, and are having fun tussling with them.
The Southeast – Black Legion Eats A Gyro
The HERO Coalition effectively dissolved with the manmade disaster that is Brave Newbies evaccing to lowsec; as expected, Black Legion has consumed the entirety of Fountain. We expect that they will bring their -A- Game, where one squats in Fountain Core, refusing to defend sov, and instead making life absolutely miserable for invaders until they get sick of it and leave or failcascade, at which point Black Legion will retake the space. Black Legion is basically TEST now, so it’s funny that they’ve ended up back where they (almost) began.
Delve Triangle – Pizza, Another Thing Being Eaten
Did you know that when he’s not huffing prophylactics, Sort Dragon runs a coalition in Eve? Neither did we until he came to us, hat in hand, begging for assurances that we wouldn’t space-murder him. This coalition is an alliance between Darkness. and The Kadeshi, hereafter known by the vomit-inducing portmanteau Darkeshi. (We didn’t make that up, they did.)
By the way, have you heard that we’re about to go stomp around next door? This is definitely not a cause for tinfoil hat conspiracies. The Mittani’s roleplaying campaign in Providence is absolutely not a clever pretext for frogstomping Sort Dragon out of malice and spite. Corps Diplomatique pinky swears!
For better or worse, their neighbors in Delve, Confederation of xXPIZZAXx, are stumbling underneath the weight of Fozziesov and the collective fat asses of NCdot couched squarely upon them. Oh, and PL are shooting them too. Of all the small elitepvp alliances that are endemic to the southwest, PIZZA have historically been guys we could work with amicably when needed. While they exhibit some of the symptoms of failure cascade, such as a spike in leadership turnover, our navel-gazing suggests they will be back in a different form more conducive to existing under Fozziesov. Goonspeed, PIZZA: be sure to tip your driver.
The Northeast – Peace In Our Time?!
Trotsky and Stalin, having resolved their differences, discuss the next Five Year Plan.
Legion of xXDEATHXx and Solar Fleet have been at war for years. Their conflict goes back to the fall of the Old Northern Coalition and the collapse of the Drone Russian Federation, and it has long been assumed that it would continue to boil. In a surprise announcement on June 27, however, Solar Fleet leader MACTEP announced that the two Russian-speaking alliances had not just buried the hatchet, but were now allies in a new, yet to be named coalition. In the same post, MACTEP stepped down from his position as leader of Solar Fleet and announced that he was leaving his own alliance to go enjoy some lowsec funtime. Never one to be Mactepid on any subject, he cited the fact that EVE’s new era of “diplomats and managers” in nullsec was not for him. Oddly enough, we here in Corps Diplomatique are pretty okay with it.
However, all is not quiet on the Eastern Front. Triumvirate. has reinforced 48 systems belonging to Red Alliance in the Spire, citing revenge for RA and their Red Menace coalition’s failure to provided the assistance they had promised against Legion of xXDeathXx’s Geminate Coalition. Red Alliance’s response has been limp at best, with only 10 systems in reinforced on the TRI side. The plucky band of TRIhards are TRIing yet again; these endless cycles of death and rebirth must be very TRIresome for their membership. Fighting Russians can be TRIcky, but this may end up being the first real war under the FozzieSov system.
The Southwest – Against ALL Authorities Falls to Anti-Authoritarian Forces
Down south, Stainwagon has been rocking out and punching Darkeshi in the face, while the largely Russian-speaking Against ALL Authorities alliance has spun up their own USTZ sister alliance, I N F A M O U S. Founded by longtime -A- members Black Aces, I N F A M O U S (oh god I am going to get so sick of typing out all those spaces) has been taking up ownership of a substantial portion of both -A- sov and membership. It remains to be seen as to whether -A- will permit this to continue or rein the upstart in.
At least no one can ever say that I N F A M O U S lacks space, even if they lose all their sov.
In other news, Gentlemen’s Club has started attacking Stainwagon assets in Immensea; whether this will lead to a wider conflict is uncertain, but seems likely.
House Singularity – When Drifters Attack
The Imperium has just opened full diplomatic relations with the House of Singularity, the Amarrian Great House whose leader and heir, The Harbinger of Faith, His Holiness Maximilian Singularity VI, First Of His Name, Pope of New Eden. Pleased by the swearing of the Imperium to his cause, the Holy Father extended His blessing to his new servants and anointed The Mittani as his Sword of Redemption and Sion Kumitomo as the Guardian of the Gates. These are exciting times for House Singularity, as in the evening of July 31, the hated pretender Jamyl Sarum found that her new flagship – under construction in Safizon – was attacked by a massive fleet of Drifter battleships, which cut through the Amarr Navy defense fleet like so much golden butter. The lioness has been bearded in her den; she could not be weaker. The time is ripe to end the pretender’s reign and bring her to justice. Even the NPCs think so!
Note: so far as we can determine, this space pope is not, in fact, a reptile. We look forward to seeing him pope a dope.
The CSM: Shut Up, It Counts As Politics
We bring this update to a close by mentioning that on July 31, CSM representative Jayne Fillion calls for Gorga (leader of Nulli Secunda) to resignfrom the CSM due to inactivity. S2N has been having a rough time of late; we send goondolences to those poor pilots affected by their fleeing leadership. However, fears were incited at the notion of enough CSM members leaving to allow Xenura to join the council.
Editor’s Note: The above was authored by Goonswarm Federation’s Corps Diplomatique, and is posted for the entertainment of all. CEO, Alliance, and Diplomatic updates are best understood as works of propaganda geared for internal consumption. The views expressed here in no way reflect those of TMC.