Header art by Quendan Comari.
As you know, I have never been a fan of the Imperium name. It’s not that Imperium is a bad name; Imperium is a fine name. However, as a name it lacks any sense of style, substance, flair, or elan. Not to mention that Imperium closely resembles the name of a science fiction empire (Note to any lawyers working for overly-litigious games companies: The Imperium does not closely resemble anything at all.)
I understand why we needed to change from the CFC. The name wasn’t very good, and it wasn’t marketable. At all. After all, you were trying to get a book deal done, build a multi-dollar media empire, and change the CFC’s rather horrible culture. A name change was needed.
However, I was recently reminded that you summarily rejected one of the names put forth for the new coalition: Mittens’ Kittens. Boss, why? You turned down one of the greatest names that a coalition could have ever had in favor of a perfectly bland, utterly serviceable name? It boggles my mind. Usually, I obey you with all the subservience of a kinky girl with low self-esteem, but in this case, Dear Leader, you are wrong!
Mittens’ Kittens is the best name we could ever have. In fact, I propose we change the name immediately.
Firstly, as a name, Mittens’ Kittens lends itself to amazing amounts of propaganda. Everyone loves cats. Everyone loves cat pictures. Cat memes make themselves—and everyone loves them! Whenever TEST INVASION PLEASE STANDBY (and wait forever) backs down from a fight, we can alternatively post pictures of the big cats victorious, or sad kittens who are sad from not getting a fight. Didn’t want that keepstar anyways? Do you know how many arrogant cat pictures there are? Billions! I, for one, am fully ready for a steady stream of Mittens’ Kittens propaganda.
Secondly, as a name, Mittens’ Kittens would infuriate our enemies, of which we have all of them. Imagine, if you will, just for a moment, Vily going to talk to Polygon, vowing to destroy Mittens’ Kittens. While Pythonesque is a sometimes overused word, in this case, it applies. Our enemies, of which we have all of them, would be making over-the-top, tryhard, serious posts about the war, quoting phrases from Zach Snyder movies, vowing the destruction of Mittens’ Kittens. Imperium delenda est works. Mittens’ Kittens delenda est, though? Say it with a straight face, my lord, I promise you cannot.
(Naming ourselves Mittens’ Kittens, Dear Leader, would also be the Gooniest thing we could ever do.)
Thirdly, as a name, Mittens’ Kittens merely affirms what we all knew and know, even going back to the days of the CFC: we are a Mittani cult and always have been. Vily’s recent posting about how you, our Dear Leader, are the Imperium to him rings hollow since you were our Dear Leader well before we ever changed our name.
In no world does this name change turn out badly. At most, we can change it back after a month if we don’t like it. Do not worry, Dear Leader, our enemies, of which we have all of them, won’t stop calling us the Imperium for at least a few years, so slow are they to change. After all, they insist on calling this supposed war World War Bee II.
Imagine, if you will, instead of the overly dramatic Imperium Eagle intro to our videos, an adorable kitten batting around a ball of string. I am sure, my lord, that brings the same smile to your face as it does mine.
Your eternally loyal servant,
P.S. Given the amount of free time that I have during this supposed invasion, it should not surprise anyone that I wrote this.
P.P.S. In the time between writing this and giving it to Arrendis, I must have sent him a hundred adorable cat pictures with possible propaganda captions.