Art by Redline XIII
At 2230 on July 4, The Mittani gave a pre-war State of the Goonion (SOTG). This was in preparation for the Non-Invasion Pact (NIP) ending after TEST announced their intent to cancel it two weeks ago. The text of the speech follows, and a link to the Twitch stream of the SOTG can be found at the bottom of the article.
Ending of the NIP
“Weeks ago, when TEST informed us that they would be ending the Non-Invasion Pact on July 5th, they did not specify a time for the NIP to end.
For the past week they have talked up a grand coalition meeting tomorrow, at 19:00 EVE on July 5th, a great speech and a procession to their new staging system in Catch, from where they intend to storm the gates of Fortress Delve and wipe out the Imperium once and for all.
Against us is assembled approximately 102 alliances, blued up together. They have about 143k pilots – these numbers change because TEST keeps adding blues by the hour.
Against that, we stand united as the Imperium, seven alliances and 47 thousand pilots against the greatest barbarian invasion since the last time these jokers pulled this stunt, the Casino War in 2016.
They genuinely believe that we are weak. That we are unready. That we have not spent years preparing for just this moment. For weeks I have watched them chatter amongst themselves and it stuns me how easy they think this will be, how little they think of our people, how ironclad their faith is in their assured victory. They are absolutely certain that we are a rotten empire, unprepared for even the slightest pressure, and that we will give up the moment the going gets tough.
But I am delighted that they underestimate us so. Truly, I am.
Forty-eight hours ago, TEST finally realized that perhaps they should ask us what time we would consider the NIP to be officially over.
This night. This night, one minute after midnight, we strike.
And while we await the magic moment of 00:01 on this Independence Day, it is at last time for the Big Announcement.
Northern Coalition, No longer Most Favoured Enemy
In July of 2006, Band of Brothers invaded Syndicate, declaring that a group of disorganized newbies in Goonfleet were a cancer on EVE itself and must be removed from the game forever.
By all reliable accounts, this was probably a bad idea.
We have spent the last 14 years – I say this now in July of 2020 – prosecuting the most ruthless, vicious, and thorough campaign of revenge in the history of gaming.
We killed Band of Brothers.
We killed KenZoku.
We killed IT Alliance.
Fast forward a decade, and we have torched NCdot so many times that I get the various ‘kick Vince out of Tribute again’ campaigns mixed up.
Our rivalry with these folks has lasted longer than most marriages, longer than the lifespans of most MMOs.
But 14 years is a long time. When we invaded NCdot last year, they simply rolled over and let us glass them.
And if we’re honest with ourselves, things between us and NCdot have gotten pretty stale.
You see, I believe that we deserve a thrilling rivalry. We deserve an enemy who gets our blood going. An enemy who infuriates us. An enemy so annoying that their every shitpost inspires us to put Hell March on repeat and reach for our Baltecs.
So we will no longer be putting energy into a rivalry with NCdot or Panfam. Our revenge has been satisfied and that chapter of the Book of Grudges is, at last, 14 years since the start of the Great War, now forever closed.
Mind you, we expect NCdot to attack us in this war. We expect all of PanFam – Horde, Fraternity, all of them – to attack us.
But we are moving on, emotionally, to our new favorite enemy. I think it’s best for Goonswarm, it’s best for NCdot, and I believe that it’s best for EVE as a whole.
And now we open a new chapter in our Book of Grudges, a new chapter in the history of the Great Empires of EVE Online, because TEST is next.
TEST is Next
TEST is responsible for bringing this teeming mass of blues – 102 alliances worth – to assault our home. Some of TEST’s leadership plan to grind us out of the game, same as BoB tried back in 2006 – which is laughable, of course, but for this they must suffer the consequences of their actions against the Imperium.
We must be clear that our quarrel is now with TEST and TEST alone. We do not hold our other opponents responsible for tagging along in this war which TEST schemed up; I don’t want Imperium members being shitty to Brave Newbies just because they turned up expecting to see some big, high-profile fights. Keep your anger aimed where it belongs, at the people responsible for this invasion: TEST Alliance Please Ignore.
So, let’s talk about TEST.
It would be too easy for me to get up here and say that TEST is an alliance full of cowards and backstabbers and that because of their invasion, we will pursue a vendetta against them for years to come.
All of that is basically true, of course. But there’s more to it than that.
What makes TEST special is that they are quite possibly the most annoying alliance that has ever existed. That’s because TEST is an alliance made primarily out of badposters, blabbermouths, and backstabbers.
No one really likes them; they are at best grudgingly tolerated, even by their allies, many of whom openly despise them.
It took me a long time to understand why TEST has such a consistent history of backstabbing in their alliance – time and time again they betray their allies, just as they did this time, spewing squid ink full of excuses and trying desperately to dodge the consequences of their actions. Call it the Madness of Montolio. They did the same thing in the Fountain War.
You see, TEST serves an unusual function in the ecosystem of nullsec, a bile duct of sorts: the final destination for corp-hoppers, turncoats, snitches, grifters, graspers, suck-ups, also-rans, and the irredeemably incompetent. If you couldn’t make it in Panfam or in the Imperium, you’ll eventually find your way to TEST, hanging out with Battlestars brain geniuses like Valkorisa. Be they corrupt, venal, or stupid, this demographic is what makes TEST both unreliable and unlikable – they’re everyone the rest of us kicked out for being shitlords, jammed together in one place being shitlords. Of course they’re a bunch of annoying, simpering backstabbers. The backstabbing isn’t a bug, it’s a feature. It’s who they are. That’s why they’re constitutionally incapable of holding to their word or bond.
So it’s time to put them to the sword, which is something I’m really looking forward to. Our path to victory lies through TEST’s skull. This is going to be a hell of a war, but with an enemy like TEST there’s no better motivation to join together, work really fucking hard, and win this thing.
Preparations for War
So, let us talk about this war, and how we got here today, waiting down the final minutes before we begin our strike.
We know now that TEST has been planning to backstab us for a very long time. We know this not because of spies or any meta-gaming adventures, but because the geniuses in charge over there can’t keep their mouths shut on Crying in Stations. Even for TEST, it’s been ham-handed.
They will lie about it of course, but we’re past the point where that matters. They have fucked around, and now they’re gonna find out.
Their plan is a long, slow grinding campaign, lasting between three and nine months. These geniuses believe that they can grind Goonswarm out of the game, that they can force us to quit EVE Online forever. That did not end well for Band of Brothers in 2006, and it will not end well for TEST in 2020.
We stand united against virtually the entire galaxy. One Imperium. Eight alliances. Against us is 102 alliances. One hundred and two! The biggest blue donut in the history of EVE Online. That is what we face. We have never been so outnumbered, even in our long history of being the underdogs of EVE Online. This will not be easy.
To see things through, to achieve victory, we must understand and accept the potential of loss before the war has even begun. Our Titans are dead already. Our supercarriers are dead already. Everything is forfeit. We must understand and accept this if we are to see this through to the bitter end. Every ship we lose must come at a price from our enemies; we will sell our ships and our citadels dearly.
Think not of the ship you fly today; think of how you will replace the ship you fly today, such that you are prepared upon losing it in battle to take the fight back to the foe at once. This will be an old school war of attrition, and no one in this game is better at this type of war than the Imperium. We live for this shit.
There will be no surrender or retreat in this war. No mercy. No forgiveness. We will fight until we are living in NPC Delve if we must, and we will continue our war from there.
But things will be different for us in World War Bee. Unlike in the Casino War, where our enemies relied upon 20 trillion of cheated ISK from the now-banned casinos to fund their attacks on us, they will pay for every ship they lose out of their own pockets rather than relying on dark money. And we have citadels now. If we protect Fortress Delve, it will protect us.
I want you to know that I am proud of this organization. I have watched us come together as a community these long weeks of war preparation. Our enemies whined last night that they couldn’t get numbers because they had tired their people out from move ops. We have force-marched ourselves from the edge of Cloud Ring back to Delve and we are only just getting started.
The enemy wants to have a long, slow war, but I ask you now in these next few weeks to be willing to put the work in, to burn the candle at both ends, to be willing to fight a blitzkrieg. Our enemies outnumber us 3 to 1; they can afford to be lazy and stupid, but we cannot. We must put in the hours if we want to see TEST’s skull mounted on a spike before the Imperial Palace.
So: Resub your Titans. Resub your Supers. The Hellwar has come again, and once more it is time to show the galaxy why they fear our wrath. Midnight is nigh, and TEST is next.